I was 58 years-old when I made a decision to start counseling. I had been married and divorced twice, had a 23-year-old stepdaughter and was living my 36th year as an individual with a spinal cord injury.
My disability resulted from a stateside diving accident while I was in the Marine Corps. I was never in combat. Although I use a wheelchair and have only partial muscle use and movement in my arms and hands, after acute care and physical rehab following my injury, I returned to school. I obtained a graduate degree and worked fulltime for 30 years before I decided that it was time to get help.
The reason that I sought counseling back in 2002 was the result of yet another relationship with a very nice woman that I ended abruptly because I realized that I was not in love with her. I didn’t want to “strike out” again in another failed marriage.
I don’t pretend to understand the trauma of a combat injury, but I realize today that when I incurred my disability back in 1967, I stopped growing up. Any type of serious physical injury brings with it emotional and mental consequences. Here are a couple of huge examples of my emotional immaturity over the years. I met and then married my first wife after knowing her for less than one year. And during that less than one year, we basically saw each other on weekends because we did not live close by. We were separated and divorced in less than six years.
Then after living by myself for just one and one-half years, I began to date the lady who eventually became my second wife. Unfortunately, we were married after knowing each other for less than eight months. While my second marriage lasted a bit longer than my first, it, too, ended in divorce.
It could be easy for me to blame the VA for not providing enough counseling opportunities during 16 months of physical rehabilitation in the late 1960s. Back then, I recall seeing a psychologist once and when I informed him that I planned to return to school, that was the last I saw of him. And the one social worker we had was a great guy but he had to be very overwhelmed trying to deal with 90 patients…an impossible job! In the past 10 to 15 years, however, every time I have been a VA inpatient, I have been visited by the psychologist there. Today, I accept personal responsibility for not starting counseling earlier in my life.
In retrospect, the decision to get counseling that I made more than nine years ago was one of the best actions of my life. Hopefully, I’m still growing as a person even though I’m still dealing with some of my issues. One thing I know for sure: in 2006, when I met a lady I had known at that time for 21 years, and I realized that we were both available, that was the best day of my life. Two years later, we were married, and we both realize how lucky we are to be together going forward.
For me, the moral to my real-life story is simply that it is a positive step to make a personal decision to begin counseling. It is probably not for everyone but it has helped me to understand myself and to work on improving aspects of me which I’m not fully comfortable with. It has helped me to grow up.
For those of you who have sought out counseling, what made you decide to? How has it impacted your life? For those of you who haven’t, it’s never too late…
Terry Moakley
Chair of the VetsFirst Committee